2007: A Look Back at the Mindless Efforts

Wow... another year past. Can you believe its 2008!?!?
What can I say 2007 has been rather good to me. I've accomplished and seen so much and I am thankful for everything presented to me. From starting the year off entering my last year of school to ending the year off with meeting musical legends, I can say I've had a pretty awesome year.

I finished my BScN, passed the board exam and became an RN. It feels good to have finished school and have a career but it also feels a little weird because now I actually have to call myself a grown up, an adult. Whoa. Everyone always asked that question when you were little "What do you want to be when you grow up?" My parents always tell me that I said "I want to be a policeman so I can arrest Lolo for drinking and driving" I can briefly remember saying that but when you're a kid imagination runs wild and you say anything that sounds cool. I even remember saying i wanted to be a baker! hahaha!! totally off from being a nurse eh?

Anyways being a nurse is great. It has it's up and downs but the rewards are just incredible. Being able to see people go from being really sick to all better and knowing you had a hand in helping a person achieve that it pure. I love it. Being able to help strangers even when you don't have to is the best reward in life.

I've made a lot of changes in 2007, however I've also made the same mistakes. Changes are more about seeing the real me. It was definitely a journey but I feel that in 2007 i made the most growth. I see things differently. I'm taking more responsibilities and accepting challenges a lot more. I don't give up as easily and I see myself "suckin it up" more often. I'm not usually the confrontation type however in my line of work it seems almost necessary or else you'll get walked over. It's terrible how the world has become so engrossed with the idea of "its all about who you know." People work hard to get to where they are but as soon as some friend of the boss walks in they get screwed over. Something similar is happening at work right now, not to me of course, but to a co-worker who deserves way better treatment. I decided to speak my mind and little did i know that it helped. I've learned to do more of that. Say what's on my mind and not keep it in. "Get Involved...the world is run by those who show up." that little quote sums it all. I showed up, I stepped up and became a change for someone else. I never really liked getting into other peoples drama but sometimes it's necessary and I'm glad I am beginning to realize that.

Another change was not being able to find relationships again. Derrick was rough on me. We didn't get far but for some odd reason it affected me A LOT. The news that I've heard about, so far about him, has been good. I'm happy that's he's doing what he originally wanted in life, I wish him all the best. After him I sort of lost trust in the opposite sex, then my relationship with my brother grew and he helped change my view on the male species. Bryan, my brother, my good friend Derouin help me see the good again in guys. With the help of my best friends and these two guys I began to trust again. Relationship status for me is still non-existent however I did try in the August... no luck ended up getting into a lot of mess with a friend about girl codes but it's over nothing I can really do and if this happened to me last year I probably would've broken down again however it's not like that. Again the confidence that I've worked on and have finally become comfortable with help me get through it and it was easy to accept this rejection. It's hard to see all my friends coupled up with me sort of being the third wheel all the time, but I've accepted it. I know my time will come and when it does I know it'll be awesome. God has a plan and I'm just waiting on the signal from Him.

Where else have I grown? Oh right... music. To me music is my everything. I don't know where I would be if music were not around. I've listen to everything and in 2007 i fell in love with so many new artists and found my love again for a group of legends. So most weirdest group first...

The Jonas Brothers.
First heard of them on that Disney show Hannah Montana. Yes I know what is a 25 year old doing watching that!? well it was Saturday and there's nothing else on except Disney shows and football or basketball I don't watch football or basketball so i settled one morning watching the shows on Disney and it just so happened that Hannah Montana was on. So The Jonas Brothers were doing a cameo and they sang with her and I just found it funny and the music was sort of catchy, so I looked them up, liked their jam and when i went down to Washington with a friend we made a pit stop at Best Buy and i saw their CD on sale I picked it up and said why not? popped it in and haven't been able to stop listening to them. They are a pop/rock group, kids to me 15, 18 and 20 i believe but I give them credit they know their music. I know kids don't listen to lyrics but any parent out there reading this... get your kids listening to them. Good messages these boys have and a clean image. so Kudos so the Jonas Brothers!

Next is an amazing soul/acoustic singer named
Ernie Halter.
Pure...that's all I have to say. Nice strong fearless voice that emits sounds as if he's living the words out. Amazing musician, him along with two other artists Josh Hodge and Trey Lockerbie did a song called "try" find it on youtube, Damn amazing... again PURE. I've been listening to a lot of acoustic musicians lately and they have all inspired me to take up the guitar. So far I've learned maybe 3 chords but man I am enjoying it.
Other artists to look for are Tony Lucca and Matt Morris both great musicians as well.

Finally The legends that help bring 2007 to a close for me was no other than...
Boys II Men
Apparently they spell it Boyz II Men now but still the same "Omg I'm wet" voices. Please look for my next blog to come about the concerts and musicians I've met and seen play soon, and the "omg I'm wet" story will be there too. hahahhaa!!

Other Highlights of 2007:
- 4 weddings, one of them being in Singapore. Amazing country Singapore it was just too bad I only got to spend 4 days there, definitely a "must go back" place.

- Auditioning for Kababayan Pilipino, a Filipino dance company, and making the cut. However also losing my spot in PhilCAS the Filipino dance company, I can now say asked me to leave. With PhilCAS it was really huge struggle with weight issues with the director for me i think. I was a good dancer I just didn't have the body type she sees dancers to be. KP sees dancers in every shape and size and I think as a dancer, who does not have a "true dancer body," I will get more of an opportunity to dance and not just be background. Along with this I did my first big show with them in Kamloops, 2 hour show with an intermission, it was my first real theater production and I can't believe how much I was a part of it after only rehearsing/being with the group for only 4 months. I was with the other group 5 years and the only big production I felt I was being a part of was the European Tour, and I hardly danced there anyways. I still have much respect for the director though, she is an amazing performer/dancer/teacher... if I had the right body type to stay with her I would've, but I don't therefore I'm staying with the group who accepts my fat. hahahaha!!

- Travelling to Toronto, Las Vegas, Powell River (actually living in Powell River was a unforgettable experience), Singapore, San Francisco, and finally Kamloops.

- Justin Timberlake Concert, Boyz II Men, and a few bands I saw in Powell River that I can't remember

Anyways so.... that was my 2007. Lots of growth is how I sum it up. I see parts of myself becoming an adult and also parts of myself that's struggling to keep the kid in me, but you know what I like the kid in me, it's sort of part of who I am and I think I'm gonna keep it, i won't struggle keeping it I'm just gonna do it. hahaha. Okay those reading thanks for sticking it through the essay. I know the grammar and spelling is all over the place but it's 2am, the brain stops thinking about that stuff after midnight so my apologies. Take care everyone!

Much Love for 2008!
Xs and Os!

until next post.

Yo Yo Yo Santa!

Aight I know I've been bad at times but I think most of the time I've been a good person.
So this are the things I think would be cool to get this Christmas... but really it's cool if it's a no go.

Movies:

Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix DVD
Hairspray
Justin Timberlake: Future Sex/Love Sounds DVD Concert

Odds and Ends:

iTunes Gift Card
A funky camera strap for my Nikon D40 Camera
A Skateboard Deck with "personal" Graffiti on it (obviously not to use but to display on my wall)
A Skateboard to actually ride
Argyle Socks (knee highs)
A Monthly Planner (Agenda, book)
Picture Frames
Picture Albums
Blue "Staples" Pens
#2 HB Pencils (yea i know I'm not in school but I like them.. hehehe)

And that's about it can't really think of anything else. well ok maybe Good Health for me and my family and friends.
Thank you Santa!

Quarter of a Century Part One

A Quarter of A Century!?!? OH CRAP! hahaha!!

Okay I had originally planned to have a video blog up however youtube is not co-operating and neither is blogger so... ya'll will have to wait for my contemplation of 25 years... sorry folks! i would naturally just write something here but because I've put effort into making a video for you all it just feels right to wait and be patient while I fight with technology... sorry for the delay but i'll get it up soon.

wait till next post.

Things I find in my Backpack...

So I was cleaning out the backpack i take to work and i find this piece of paper. I was 2 seconds from throwing it away and something told me to open it and look at what it was. It was someting I wrote on April 26, 2007. It's untitled and I actually can't remember what or who was the muse but here is it.

Untitled

Deep Dark Dangerous Voice
Enters my mind without warning
I've heard this voice before
Voice of trust
but disappointing in the end.

This deep, dark, dangerous voice
Fills my mind with weird, warm, worried
thoughts
The voice is welcoming, inviting, enchanting.
Different from the voices of the past.

This deep, dark, dangerous voice
Frightens me.
The tone it emitts
To hear it
My soul becomes captivated
It makes me giddy even.

This deep, dark, dangerous voice
Sends chills down my spine
Explination of it's being
attracts creativity
Instead of negative energy I endured in the past

This deep dark dangerous voice
Makes me motionless
mindful and
mystified
How can this one voice
this unknowing voice
this, at times sounding stuck up, voice
Make me smile?


This is a pretty messed up piece but whatever....
until next post.

Finally Closing One Chapter, and Opening a New One

I can't believe it I am done school. it was 7 years to get here... but I did it! I am officially a University Graduate. It is somewhat weird to not have to worry about school work or going to classes but it also feels good to be out here in the "real world" I am scared, for once in like 20 years I don't know what I'll be doing next year. When I was in school it was always easy because the next year I knew I would be in school again. Now I am working and paying bills and worry about Medical and Dental stuff. eww.. I"m a grown-up! hahahhaa!!


I've accomplished so much and I am so blessed to be where I am now. Without those people around me supporting me I don't know if I would've made it. I have the most supportive family in the world!! They were always there to support anything I wanted to try even if they knew I shouldn't. My parents were always concerned about studies, but they also put me in so many extra curricular activities that it help shape me to become the outgoing person that I am. It's true I am all over the place and there were questions whether I would stay in school and finish but by having role models, like my parents who believed in never giving up, help me push through and succeed. My sisters always have my back even when I wanted to play club volleyball and my parents didn't want me to they helped my parents see that it was important to me and if i didn't have volleyball I don't know if I would have passion for other things at all.


God has also blessed me with 6 of the best friends in the world! yes people 6. 3 of which have been my best friends I'd say since I was 4. we had our drama but any drama has always brought us back together. Sandra, Diane, Alexis, Magtang, Crissa, and Steph. These 6 have always been able to keep in line, and also to keep me focused. We have a respect for each other that not very many people would know of. It's a weird way to show love but making fun of each other, mocking each other, beating up on each other is what we do and we love each other for it.








There's so many people I'm greatful to have in my life. My volleyball crew, my nursing friends epecially Christine who help me see something back in my first year of nursing that not many people were able to crack out of me. I've grown so much since my first few years in college/univeristy and I am only now slowly seeing where the changes are. It's weird to see me at this stage but I am ready for the challenges God has set for me. He has continued to guide me and I continue to follow that path He has planned for me.

Really to tell the truth it is only where I feel comfortable saying I am proud of myself. I feel I am at that point now where I know what I want. I know where I want to go and I feel that I will be okay no matter what I choose. It's a fun time to be in. I close my childhood chapter and now I face the new chapter that people call "Being a Grown-Up"

A piece titled "White Noise"

The square tiled floor room is empty.
Four walls, one square window.
This dark grey, gloomy, ghostly room is only lit by a
Blue Light coming through the window
The door creeks open and a large figure enters
It lurks in the shadows looking for an opportune time to take command.
This figure begins to be drawn to the
Blue Light coming through the window
The figure clings on to the wall as if holding on for dear life.
What does it see from the
Blue Light coming through the window
Eyes grow wide as the Blue Light screams.
White Noise fills the room like a snowy channel on T.V. that was put on full blast.
The walls crack, the window breaks
The Blue Light moves toward the figure clinging to the wall
An eerie silence over comes the room
The figure stares at the
Blue Light coming through the window
Transfixed.
FLASH! CRACK! BOOM!

The light retracts, the large figure disappears.
The blank, black, boxed up room is empty now.
The only sound is coming from the hum of a
Blue Light radiating through the window

The Best Damn Thing at the PNE other than the Superdogs!!

The pictures say all my friends..... after getting the news that my potential has now turned into a NEVER EVER going to happen... today made me feel OH SO much better and the pictures say all... hahahaha!!!


until next post.

Jealousy

I have it. I admit it. Wish it didn't happen but it did.
two selfs... intoxicated shows realness.
two masks... intoxicated become known.
two masks... intoxicated worked together to cause one of seven...

Deadly sins?
Jealousy.

It's time to fess up.
Jealous of these two selfs.
Jealous of the connection that both deny.

Wish it were me.
Wish I was one of two.

Will never happen.
I set myself up for pain again.
Trust seems broken, but not forgotten.

Forgive and Forget
A messed up reallity.
Trouble.

~~~

These words that came to me explain a small moment of time that happened not so long ago. I seem to get myself into these predicaments where someone I like ends up liking someone close to me and therefore according to girl code is now considered off limits. It's weird how rules...unspoken rules take over in life. I was upset. Very upset. Extremely upset but it has subsided now. I was frustrated with myself and with people around me. Not just the two i speak of but with others as well. It is now where my true friends shine. It is now at this point in my life where I will see who I click better with, who will be long term. I actually see myself moving away because I seem to just keep putting myself into the same problems. One of my biggest fears I believe will get the best of me if i stay here. I keep telling myself there's only one thing that will keep me in place.

I wanted to write an entry to bash, bad mouth, swear at these people but i figure that would just be very immature. It was my fault I put myself in this spot. I am thinking negatively instead of positive and that is why this entry is titled jealousy. I thought i had something... which was really nothing. but seeing that something with someone else made me upset and well... yea made me feel crappy. I told someone you should never assume because when you do "you make an ASS out of U and ME" and it's true... i'm an ass for thinking the way i did. Putting myself through more hurt. I gave my hopes up. But there is no one to blame but myself.

Those closest to me will believe or say to me it's not my fault but it is. I keep expecting things to happen and I shouldn't. I just need to sit back and let God take care of me. Let whatever plan He has take it's course and trust it's for the best. As much as i want something I will never get it.

until next post.

Dreams...

I had this dream the other night where I was sleeping (haha yes I dream about sleeping because right now I am not getting very much of it) I was at the park with some friends and I guess we were just spending a nice day outside but yea I was asleep and when I woke up in the dream I was lying in the lap of someone who had his arms around me. I woke as if I was having an out of body experience. I looked at this dude and he was talking very animated to our friends. I looked at him and he was smiling down at me every now and then as if checking if I were awake. When I finally opened my eyes in this dream and looked up at that dude I smiled, I could feel this weird warm feeling. He kissed my forehead and told me to go back to sleep and I did. The part of me that was watching this was happy. The part of me that was lying in this person's lap was happy. I felt good and relaxed.
I woke up from this dream the next morning refreshed and again had this warm feeling. I know this man that was in my dream. I miss him. I haven't seen him in a very long time but having that dream just made me wonder what it is I am missing. Is is just his company I'm missing, or could it just be the fact that I miss not having that type of "company"?
I don't know if I'm making any sense.
It's weird how dreams become so much a part of your life.
Dreams that haunt you, dreams that give you good memories or bring about good feelings.
This dream that I had was a few days ago and when I think about it I still get a warm feeling. This person does not know how I feel...shoot I don't even know how I FEEL! I'd like to just leave it how it is. I don't want another Derrick story.
I like this dream that I had, and as much as I want it to come true I think that's where it's going to remain just in my dreams.

Anyone care to share their dreams?

until next post.

My attempts at being a cool Auntie Gail

Hahaha... the title says it all i think. I went to San Francisco to visit my family and taught my newphew some cool tricks. He's actually really good. We were playing on youtube and i was showing them some videos of myself dancing. I left the computer for a brief second to go to the washroom and when i came back down the hall i heard some strong beats. When I got back my little nephew (he's 8... i think... haha i suck) was bumpin' Chris Brown and bopping his body to the beats. It was nuts, he had some moves!! anyways long story short I taught him a little baby freeze and these were the results.





He got it!! I didn't learn it that fast.. he's freakin awesome!!


Okay what else terms me as a cool aunte... OH my obsession with jumping shots! Hell yea I instilled that into my litle nieces and nephews!! Here are my nieces:




And here is my nephew doing the nike trade mark proud....



Okay that's it for now... i really just wanted to try posting pictures! HAHAHA!!

until next post!

Contemplation

"At times I sit and comtemplate and wonder why it is I am so emotional when I am by myself. I hide things deep inside me to show people that I am strong. I do it on purpose because I am afraid of what would come if I suddenly decide to break my shell. People see this wonderful piece of art but like the Mona Lisa it too has an eerieness,a mystery that can never be unfolded."

That passage comes from an old diary entry of mine back from 2004. I find it fitting for this theme that I am experiencing in my life at the moment. Many of us, yes even you that read this, have times where we just hide things. We hide them as if ashamed by our own selves. We bury them hoping that they will just disappear and never come back to the surface, however it always finds a way to haunt you. It haunts you till it starts eating at your mind and then the breakdown begins. You feel betrayed and hurt but mostly angry at yourself of allowing such drama to enter your life. You can't remember how it came about it just does and when it does it's fury not only to yourself but to those around you as well.

An over analyzation begins, why am I like this? you ask. You become apologetic, saying sorry to those around you even if you have nothing to say sorry about. You feel like you failed as a person and that you need to fix things. When people start to become involved however there's that part of you that refuses. Believes it is your own problem and that somehow it will be you and only you who can fix it. You must recognize to ask for help (is what I have always been told). I always find that hard and when people do ask to help I always think they think that I can't do things on my own. I think they are against my cause and I refuse to let people in who don't believe in me.

It's weird how this messed up system of mine works. Over analyzing, over thinking.... over contemplating. Sometimes things just remain simple. Always look for the simple plan.

My studies to Powell River help me accomplish so much regarding this theme. I saw a lot of myself grow. I did over analyze, I did a lot of thinking and I came to the realization that all I needed was to stop and absorb. Look, Listen, and Feel the world around me. Take what God is showing me and just work with it. Not to dwell in the past nor constantly think about the future. Powell River helped me to see myself. Who I really am, where I really want to go in life. what I want.

Now I know I have said this in the past with other things such as Derrick and Thailand. But all those things happened for a reason. They happened for me to learn from and to take those lessons and bring them with me in the future. If I dwell in the past I would probably end up like Derrick... a jerk that doesn't drink beer. And Powell River help me see how much I love beer! haha!

Anyways point of my contemplation. There is just so many things going on around us and sometimes we just need to stop. Stop over working ourselves, stop thinking so much and just live. Life is a mystery. It will never actually fully unfold until we get to a certain point so why stress? Take life by the horns and just roll with the punches. I'm not saying wear every single emotion, thought, hope on your sleeve, but own up to your destiny's. Speak your mind and don't be afraid. God puts us all through challenges and with every challenge comes a life lesson. Just believe.

until next post.

A Piece of Me

I use to like writing abstract things...
it was my way of showing a "creative" part of me however I hid it.
I seldom shared these pieces of writing but I believe it's time to share with all of you who read this, which will probably be the same people I shared my secret site with. anyways here is a piece of me hope you likes it. It's called "Individuality"

Individuality

The sound of ebony and ivory tickles my soul.

The strong sensations expressed by each note are comforting.

As I become overwhelmed by the rush of emotions that engulf my being, I begin to feel calm and aware of my character.

The hum of brass follows the sound of the keys forming a melody of stories that develop personality.

As the melodic chapters unfold, the world becomes smaller and more open to the mind, however the individual becomes part of society and is trapped in mainstream noise.

I find myself yearning for simplicity, and abandoning everything that was been written in the new notations. I want to go back to the root of mainstream refrains, back to the time when the ivories and a steady beat would guide the spirit to euphoria.

It is difficult to return to the lucid past behind us but what we can uncover, and express in harmonies will give us back what society has take from us,

Individuality

Yet another piece of eye candy...HAHA!!

You read that title correctly! I have yet another piece of eye candy that will ONLY be eye candy. I know you are probably asking why. well for 1. He lives far far away and 2. there is no chance for him to ever come see me because he lives far far away. So I shall just admire from a far. Pictures of him and I are all I got and I am pretty happy with that. I laugh when I see some of the pictures because 1. he was after my best friend and 2. his smile is just so cute! hahaha!!

Just writing this is giving me the giggles. and is also making me think of someone else. That someone will never happen but it's cool to keep the thought of a maybe. But yes my new eye candy, awesome guy really. all around cool person. took care of my friends and i when we travelled out to Singapore to see our friend get married. My new eye candy was a groomsmen, and being a bridesmaid of course I sized up who our counterparts were going to be. The other guys were cool too! The Singapore Army has very good guys. They took care of us on the wedding night when the after party didn't go as planned and when I was determined to have a fun last night in Singapore they didn't disappoint me.

We got to party with a bunch of army guys and it was good times for sure! Now I can't remember all of their names but those I can remember will forever be in my memory for when I travel back to visit. I didn't think I'd like Singapore...but man that country is amazing! I think what got me was the sturtures that their city has. A mixture of old and new, traditional and modern it's amazing! I only wish I had my other camera to take some nice B&W shots. My time there was definitely TOO SHORT! I cannot wait to go back and I think I may have to do that really soon. haha.. i guess Singapore is a piece of eye candy for me as well! hehehe..

anyways I dont' want to say names but I'm sure most of you reading this already have an idea who it is, espeically those of you who can see my pictures on facebook. he's almost in every single one of my shots. hahahhaah!!!

alrighty well that's all I needed to say for this moment. I may write again tomorrow because it's my last two days in Powell River. Another chapter is closing and I'll need to jot things down. so.. until next post!

Lounge...

i really have no clue what to write. i want to sound smart but sounding smart is just dumb. i wish when i write here i can be just at silly as my drunk text messeging, which I am very proud to say I haven't done in awhile!

i really only send them to two main people. one who i just have to cuz well it's funny... and one to whom i "want" to. hahaha! I KNOW y'all know what i'm sayin'!! hahaha! drunk text messeging is fun. i like doing it. the weird crap that enters the mind when intoxicated is freakin hilarious. according to my roomates my last drunken nothing-ness came out as "Transformers...more than meets the eye... Transformers, Robots in disguise.." and apparently i was singing the Transformers theme song however those were the only words i knew and i just kept repeating them! hahaha!

its funny how when you're drunk a part of the real you comes out. i think everyone needs to get drunk at least once in their life and have someone video tape them. by doing so we all can see the real self that wants to come out instead of the masks that everyone puts on.

everyone puts on a mask there's no denying it. there's times in our lives when it's mandatory... like meeting those aunts and uncles who always say.."oh my god.. you're so big now" or "do you have a boyfriend yet? why not?!" we always put on that smile and laugh and say "oh auntie...." and really you just want to yell and scream "what do you mean i'm big now!? are you calling me fat!?" or "Yea i'm big the last time you saw me i was IN MY MOM'S BODY!" or "yea i don't have a boyfriend.. I don't need no man!" (adding the snap and head bob)... hahha! see there's always a mask.

people can be real, i'm not saying everyone is fake. I'm just saying that everyone has a little part that is a fib. a part that they kinda skew so that really it's them but it's not. you get it?

i'm one of those people who if someone comes up to me and says "omg i haven't seen you in ages.. how are you" I will totally be like "dude... it's been way too long! i'm good..what have you been up to?!" and then when the conversation is over turn to whom ever i'm with and ask "who the hell was that?! wasn't that that dude that like threw shit at me?"

it's my nature to put up a front too. we all put up a front until we feel comfortable. it's a joke but it's part of our defence mechanism. (did i spell that right).


okay the end. i have to end my mindless effort here cuz really i lost where i was going.. hahaa... night shifts are not good for my mind.

WAIT! i remember... no i don't.
until next post.

Meh.

So another week and a half has come and gone.. I know I said I would write every saturday but things came up and I was unable to make a post. Anyways I was having a rough week with my professor coming to visit me to do my evaluation. It was terrible. She accused me of not attempting any of my goals and doesn't believe I'm doing anything in my right scope of practice. I guess it is partly my fault for not calling her as often as I should be and handing in some of my journals late but really it's the last leg of what has been 4 years so can you really expect me to do the crap that our school thinks is nursing, how many nurses write journals and don't work in thier own scope. It is pretty obvious sometimes how we should act, and if we weren't doing it then we wouldn't have gone this far. Whatever, I re-wrote my evaluation and hopefully she likes that one.

I was emailing back and forth with a friend of mine who is also in the same boat. It's difficult not having the support of our other classmates. Even though we can call or talk to them online it's not the same as being able to see them every now and then. It's wierd. But yes, i was telling my friend how besides the lonliness factor, being in a small town is beneficial not only to finding lots of different experiences in all scopes, but it's beneficial to the "self" as well. This eerie quietness that I speak of when I mention Powell River I guess can be sort of an analogy for my life at the moment.

"The eerie quietness" is me being scared of myself. I'm seeing things in myself that really I knew that was there but was too afraid to face it. I'm growing here I feel it, i'm scared of it but alowing for whateer happens happen. I am finding a new respect for certain personailites and recognizing why it is I dislike them (notice how i use the word dislike instead of hate). It easy to look at the ugly parts of people but to find the good parts is the challenge and having been here on my own I am immune to the thoughts of others and am able to strip down my ideals. I can see that masks are made for reasons, and these reasons are prone to remarks but still it is a reason and it has to be respected... even though i think it's messed up, it's still theirs and they can have it. I have a lot of stupid reasons. Like not being able to open up to someone as i used to cuz of a stupid boy who broke my heart, or not showing affection to a friendly cat cuz i think it's gonna dig their claws into me.. haha! see all stupid reasons for me not to do something. But the all lead to one thing, reason leads to fear of self. the questions of what if and why not jumble my thought and here I am able to come up with facts instead of excuses.

it was good for me to come here. even though i missed out on a lot. and miss a lot of people it was good for me to come here and just focus on myself instead of all the stuff that I put myself through. I am almost ready to come home. A few more weeks here and hopefully i'll return with a new self worth.

my best friend has reminded me how i was brought up and i'm so glad for her words. I've sort of lost myself and those values in the last year and I'm glad i'm noticing it and being able to reconnect with my old values. maybe now i'm ready to share, something I couldn't do before. I'm ready to share, but not ready to actually do it just yet.. hahaha!

but thank you powell river. thank you for your eerie quietness that has open my mind to where I want to go.

The Awkward Quietness

The eerie quietness of this small town which I am temporarily calling home is slowly becoming funny. Powell River is a beautiful town during the day but the sketchiest piece of land when it's dark. However I am proud to say Powell River knows how to party. Last night my roomates and I along with our manager's wife went out to the local hangout spot "The Westview" it was awesome! Live band, who might I add had some pretty hot band members, good cheap drinks, and fun wide age range people. We had a good time!
I am becoming accostumed to the familiar hellos and How's it going from strangers. It's weird how everyone knows each other, and how if one does not know where one's child is they don't panic. It's so funny, our manager's son did not show up for dinner time all his mother did was go outside in the front yard and yell his name a few times and then the phone rang. A neighbour called to say that her son was playing in the pool at their house. hahahaa.. my roomates and I were like man if that were in the city the police would've been called. There's no yelling a person's name and someone calling.. that's just funny!
I saw my first bus today... and someone knew who I was. The taxi's are old station wagons, the news of the town was the grand opening of Staples and the new dollar store! Things are funny and great! We walk everywhere, the rain doesn't bother us too much. The sun is freakin awesome when we get it.
Small town life however is just too slow for my taste. I'm so used to having so much to do, and well if it's not sunny here in Powell River there's nothing to do! Things close at 5pm everyday! only thing open are the pubs. We drink and be merry on rainy days.
I am at the hospital now...nightshift. I am sleepy.
okay i have nothing to say right now.. i feel like ice cream.
until next post.

~~Gail

A Jumbled Thought

My first post and I sit here wondering what I should be spitting out. I don't enjoy HTML but I figure I should learn and stay in this game called technology. I'm sure HTML is actually becoming obselete but whatever. Anyways I came here to share where I am at, so here goes.

I recently got a message from one of my best friends. This girl, whom I admire to the max, opened my eyes even more to how cruel this world can be. She told me about a time, on a very familiar topic, that made her very angry. She told me how people wear these "masks" around certain people and when one person is gone this mask is usually removed. My best friend told me this person spoke unkindly about me, and that she was hurt by the words coming out of her mouth. This best friend stood up for me. She knows me well enough to back me up and defend me and I love her because of that. This masked person has always been skeptical of my being, and I told my best friend that I've grown used to it. I've grown accustomed to the negativity, I use it to feed my growth. Being able to see this negativity allows me to become more positive with my life because I don't want to be like this masked person. I know I shouldn't use that, but it just gives me that picutre of a person who I do not want to become and it helps. My best friend showed great loyalty standing up for me infront of the group and that sometimes is hard. Was it not the Lord who said that Peter would deny Him 3 times? It's difficult to do, be loyal when such a strong presence is near, or if a crowd might out number you. But my best friend did it. Why can't we all do it?
There are so many people who witness people talking behind a person's back but do nothing. It's difficult to get the words out right but I think it's better to get things out and let people know if they have problems with another person they should talk to each other face to face, don't use others to be middle ground for you to complain. Wow... even just typing I feel myself contradicting myself. See, we all are guilty. But we need to not only find a way to trust others but trust in ourselves and trust your thoughts. It's human nature to feel guilt... allow for it to help get the words out, once the words are out you may lose a friend but in the end if you were meant to be in each other's lives then it will happen, time will tell.

My best friend is amazing, so are my other 5 best friends. If it weren't for them I don't know where I would be right now. We had our drama countless times but these people are a blessing to my life and I thank the Lord everyday that I have them in my life. Other than my family these 6 are who I trust with my life and I know God had that planned for me.

It's funny how I am speaking so spiritual all of a sudden. Yes I know I am very into my spirituality but I rarely speak with it so this is sort of new. hehehee.... I guess it's a good thing. weird but good! hehehee...

Hmm...what else to I want to say, I've recently met this person who just always makes me smile. No matter what type of interaction I get with this person wheather it be a poke on facebook, an msn conversation, a text message, phone call and/or in person I get this great warm feeling and it just lets me smile. I could be having the most hectic day and for some reason time slows down. I could be sick, tired, or annoyed but still I manage to smile. Right now just typing this little paragraph about this person is making me laugh... so I shall end it with a small little poem I wrote about this person. Thanks for reading everyone.. until next time.

"Wings"

Arms crossed, smiling.
I haven't smiled like this in a while.
Smiling is somthing that sends a warm feeling shooting through the body.
This warm feeling allows one to believe anything is possible.
Smiling is like having your favourite flavour of ice cream after a hard day.
The smiling that happens when I cross my arms this certain way,
makes me giddy
makes me laugh
makes me want to smile even more...it's possible!
Anything is with this amount of smiling.
I wonder if i loose the point of arms crossing would I still smile?
I think so...memories, thoughts of the time...
Right now I'm smiling... and my arms aren't even crossed anymore.
I like this simple feeling.
I'm going to milk this feeling as much as I can
Cuz I don't know if I will be able to keep this feeling.
I'd like to, but right now it just doesn't belong to me.
For now I'll hold on to this feeling
The feeling that is keeping me sane
The act of crossing my arms is stuck in my mind and I enjoy it there.
It will be sad once I have to give it back.
But I know it doesn't belong to me, so if I do have to part from it,
I will always remember how that feeling
Made me smile.

~~ Gail