Jealousy

I have it. I admit it. Wish it didn't happen but it did.
two selfs... intoxicated shows realness.
two masks... intoxicated become known.
two masks... intoxicated worked together to cause one of seven...

Deadly sins?
Jealousy.

It's time to fess up.
Jealous of these two selfs.
Jealous of the connection that both deny.

Wish it were me.
Wish I was one of two.

Will never happen.
I set myself up for pain again.
Trust seems broken, but not forgotten.

Forgive and Forget
A messed up reallity.
Trouble.

~~~

These words that came to me explain a small moment of time that happened not so long ago. I seem to get myself into these predicaments where someone I like ends up liking someone close to me and therefore according to girl code is now considered off limits. It's weird how rules...unspoken rules take over in life. I was upset. Very upset. Extremely upset but it has subsided now. I was frustrated with myself and with people around me. Not just the two i speak of but with others as well. It is now where my true friends shine. It is now at this point in my life where I will see who I click better with, who will be long term. I actually see myself moving away because I seem to just keep putting myself into the same problems. One of my biggest fears I believe will get the best of me if i stay here. I keep telling myself there's only one thing that will keep me in place.

I wanted to write an entry to bash, bad mouth, swear at these people but i figure that would just be very immature. It was my fault I put myself in this spot. I am thinking negatively instead of positive and that is why this entry is titled jealousy. I thought i had something... which was really nothing. but seeing that something with someone else made me upset and well... yea made me feel crappy. I told someone you should never assume because when you do "you make an ASS out of U and ME" and it's true... i'm an ass for thinking the way i did. Putting myself through more hurt. I gave my hopes up. But there is no one to blame but myself.

Those closest to me will believe or say to me it's not my fault but it is. I keep expecting things to happen and I shouldn't. I just need to sit back and let God take care of me. Let whatever plan He has take it's course and trust it's for the best. As much as i want something I will never get it.

until next post.

Dreams...

I had this dream the other night where I was sleeping (haha yes I dream about sleeping because right now I am not getting very much of it) I was at the park with some friends and I guess we were just spending a nice day outside but yea I was asleep and when I woke up in the dream I was lying in the lap of someone who had his arms around me. I woke as if I was having an out of body experience. I looked at this dude and he was talking very animated to our friends. I looked at him and he was smiling down at me every now and then as if checking if I were awake. When I finally opened my eyes in this dream and looked up at that dude I smiled, I could feel this weird warm feeling. He kissed my forehead and told me to go back to sleep and I did. The part of me that was watching this was happy. The part of me that was lying in this person's lap was happy. I felt good and relaxed.
I woke up from this dream the next morning refreshed and again had this warm feeling. I know this man that was in my dream. I miss him. I haven't seen him in a very long time but having that dream just made me wonder what it is I am missing. Is is just his company I'm missing, or could it just be the fact that I miss not having that type of "company"?
I don't know if I'm making any sense.
It's weird how dreams become so much a part of your life.
Dreams that haunt you, dreams that give you good memories or bring about good feelings.
This dream that I had was a few days ago and when I think about it I still get a warm feeling. This person does not know how I feel...shoot I don't even know how I FEEL! I'd like to just leave it how it is. I don't want another Derrick story.
I like this dream that I had, and as much as I want it to come true I think that's where it's going to remain just in my dreams.

Anyone care to share their dreams?

until next post.

My attempts at being a cool Auntie Gail

Hahaha... the title says it all i think. I went to San Francisco to visit my family and taught my newphew some cool tricks. He's actually really good. We were playing on youtube and i was showing them some videos of myself dancing. I left the computer for a brief second to go to the washroom and when i came back down the hall i heard some strong beats. When I got back my little nephew (he's 8... i think... haha i suck) was bumpin' Chris Brown and bopping his body to the beats. It was nuts, he had some moves!! anyways long story short I taught him a little baby freeze and these were the results.





He got it!! I didn't learn it that fast.. he's freakin awesome!!


Okay what else terms me as a cool aunte... OH my obsession with jumping shots! Hell yea I instilled that into my litle nieces and nephews!! Here are my nieces:




And here is my nephew doing the nike trade mark proud....



Okay that's it for now... i really just wanted to try posting pictures! HAHAHA!!

until next post!

Contemplation

"At times I sit and comtemplate and wonder why it is I am so emotional when I am by myself. I hide things deep inside me to show people that I am strong. I do it on purpose because I am afraid of what would come if I suddenly decide to break my shell. People see this wonderful piece of art but like the Mona Lisa it too has an eerieness,a mystery that can never be unfolded."

That passage comes from an old diary entry of mine back from 2004. I find it fitting for this theme that I am experiencing in my life at the moment. Many of us, yes even you that read this, have times where we just hide things. We hide them as if ashamed by our own selves. We bury them hoping that they will just disappear and never come back to the surface, however it always finds a way to haunt you. It haunts you till it starts eating at your mind and then the breakdown begins. You feel betrayed and hurt but mostly angry at yourself of allowing such drama to enter your life. You can't remember how it came about it just does and when it does it's fury not only to yourself but to those around you as well.

An over analyzation begins, why am I like this? you ask. You become apologetic, saying sorry to those around you even if you have nothing to say sorry about. You feel like you failed as a person and that you need to fix things. When people start to become involved however there's that part of you that refuses. Believes it is your own problem and that somehow it will be you and only you who can fix it. You must recognize to ask for help (is what I have always been told). I always find that hard and when people do ask to help I always think they think that I can't do things on my own. I think they are against my cause and I refuse to let people in who don't believe in me.

It's weird how this messed up system of mine works. Over analyzing, over thinking.... over contemplating. Sometimes things just remain simple. Always look for the simple plan.

My studies to Powell River help me accomplish so much regarding this theme. I saw a lot of myself grow. I did over analyze, I did a lot of thinking and I came to the realization that all I needed was to stop and absorb. Look, Listen, and Feel the world around me. Take what God is showing me and just work with it. Not to dwell in the past nor constantly think about the future. Powell River helped me to see myself. Who I really am, where I really want to go in life. what I want.

Now I know I have said this in the past with other things such as Derrick and Thailand. But all those things happened for a reason. They happened for me to learn from and to take those lessons and bring them with me in the future. If I dwell in the past I would probably end up like Derrick... a jerk that doesn't drink beer. And Powell River help me see how much I love beer! haha!

Anyways point of my contemplation. There is just so many things going on around us and sometimes we just need to stop. Stop over working ourselves, stop thinking so much and just live. Life is a mystery. It will never actually fully unfold until we get to a certain point so why stress? Take life by the horns and just roll with the punches. I'm not saying wear every single emotion, thought, hope on your sleeve, but own up to your destiny's. Speak your mind and don't be afraid. God puts us all through challenges and with every challenge comes a life lesson. Just believe.

until next post.