So What...

My interest is annoying.
I want to say something but i feel like it shouldn't be said
I put myself in the same boat again and time and time goes by and the result is always the same. I always seem to put myself in a place where I hurt myself. I want something so bad and for some reason it just doesn't go the way I want. It's something I really can't just go after as much as I want to.

I've always tried to go after what I wanted. I also put my mind to something and get it done if it's something important. Which begs the question is this important? Well yes. It's important to me. I feel like it's the only piece missing in my life now. I have everything I could ever want except the one thing I think would make me even happier.

It's hard seeing my close friends have it, or even be close to having it. It's rough being the third wheel all the time. And as much as my friends say it's okay .. it's not. to me it's not.

this is the whole reason behind me getting away all the time. As much as I love my friends me getting away sort of makes me feel better. I travel because I connect with something. I admit I do travel for the love of the world but mainly it's because I find peace. I would love to share this feeling but i don't know if that''s written in the stars for me.

This is pathetic. Its my continuing story... the story of my life. An abundance of friendships but nothing more. I write about the same thing over and over and over again. Pathetic.

All I want is someone to share things with. Someone who will challenge life with me. I'm scared. I put myself out there once and my heart was broken. It still is mending and I put a lot of blame on that person. He made me open up, which i hate. I hold back now because of the fear. I'm over it now but there's still that part of me that's hesitant.

As much as I want something to happen it never will. I think it's time for another trip. Back to London.

until next post.

A Round of Hearts

Unsteady Emotions
Unstable Desires
All lead to this whimsical feeling
But What is this feeling exactly?
I've seen it before, didn't like it.
I was reckless and scatterbrained and just not me.
I'm upset that I allow for this to happen
But i know for some odd reason I like it.
I like the erratic actions my mind thinks of.

This feeling is so fascinating to me that I drown
myself in it when I know I should just let it go.
I catch myself falling for the allure of it's future
but alas everything in my body tenses up.
How contradicting eh?

It's like I want it to happen but I don't?

How does that work?
This strong interest of mine is not at all boring or uninteresting
It's sexy.
It's so individualized and so independent
that I long for more.

An attraction to the unknown has always been my kryptonite.
This unknown being is amusing, different from other unknowns I've been attracted to before.
I'm dumbfounded and taken aback.
Speechless
A loss for words
For now I'll let my mind wander
and allow the whimsical feeling to taunt me
There's nothing else worth it right now.

until next post.

A year more than a Quarter Century

26.
Nov. 16th, 2008
I turned 26. It's weird but all the years from 21 till now it didn't feel different at all to turn another year older but for some reason 26 just felt weird. I went out with my friends, we went to a club. Did the things I've been doing since I was legal to go to club but as i sat in this club with drink in hand surrounded by awesome people it occurred to me that I was too old to be there.

I thought to myself constantly through the night, why am i here? The music was amazing the crowd was decent but it just didn't feel right being there. I felt old, I felt out of place and basically felt like going home but the music is what kept me there. As my friends began to fade I thought I would call it a night. 230 in the AM. We are usually troopers... we usually stay till the lights come on but for some reason we just weren't feeling it. Regardless i had an awesome birthday!

My friends Megan and Sarah both of whom i met on my Contiki tour were there to celebrate with me. Megan unfortunately "piked" however she was in the right mind to, waiting in line to get into a club for that long fuck if it wasn't my birthday i would've left too! But thanks Megan for coming out and being such a trooper! Sarah drove all the way from Portland so that was enough to make me happy on my birthday! She drove up just for me, she didn't even stay for 24 hours she came partied, crashed, ate and left. Now that's an awesome friend!

of course my best friends were on hand and as usual up to craziness. but it was all good!!

My sister remembered something I mentioned a long time ago, speed stacker.. or cup stackers. Look it up on youtube (cup stacking) and you'll know what i'm talking about. LOVE IT! BEST PRESENT EVER!! My sister said it best tonight at my family dinner. "Gail maybe 26 but she'll always be a kid who loves getting toys as presents" and what do i say to that... HELLZ YEA! read my info and you'll figure out what my fave toy is.

Anyways so another year older... I do actually feel older this time. sucks. but as my brithday buddy says "just look at it as another year wiser" and that will do.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes people!!!

until next post.

Geek In Pink strikes A-GAIN!

So I did a birthday greeting. My attempt at mending fences.
You replied a thank you and that's all I was hoping for.
Just some civil action.
That's all, that's all I wanted.

THEN..
You had to ask how things were going
You requested friendship
You had to say more than thank you

THEN...
YOU CUT ALL TIES AGAIN!
AGAIN!

Why? That's all i want to know.
Why disappear and cut me off?
Why is it so hard to be civil with each other
Why... was all i've always wanted to know.
Why can't you respond to any questions
Why can't you help in mending this fence?

You requested friendship and I accepted. I've seen you this past year and you say hi to me and I've always said hi back, not necessarily in a nice way but i acknowledge you. That action made me think okay maybe we're cool. maybe i should just let bygones be bygones like you asked before and join you in the attempt of friendship, hence the reason for the birthday greeting. I answered your question about how things are, quite mechanically, but for some reason that's all i felt sharing with you at that time. I shared so much with you before and you hurt me so I don't feel like I owe you any more details of my life. You asked me another question about what's going on, I felt like that question was redundant so I took it as you wanting to know more.. and I wanted to answer it during a time where I can actually sit down and think about what I wanted to share with you. You know me, you know my lifestyle and you of ALL PEOPLE know how busy I am or should I say appear to be, so I thought you would understand why I didn't respond right away.....

MSN has a weird way of creeping up on me... I mended another fence and re-added you and you told me you quit facebook to concentrate on your studies...fair enough. Here I go jumping to conclusions again ...

this post was a be angry at you. but again I'm done doing that.

until next post

It's been awhile...

Holy Crap! I did not even realize how long it's been since I've posted anything. a lot has happened since my last post and it's going to take a long time for me to catch up. I don't exactly feel up to doing the catch up right now but I do feel like just typing to get some things of my mind.

Friends:
I've found my niche. I know who my friends are and I know which ones will stay in my life forever. I know the ones I love most and I am going to be forever grateful for them being in my life. These people know me best... right down to the things I hate to the things I absolutely love and also know the changes i have made (which is scary sometimes but also comforting in a strange way). I have "friends" who i thought were the people that fit this profile but as i grow older and change (yes I do change...and recently I've been changing often) I've noticed that some "friends" aren't as accepting of my changes or are in disbelief that I have changed. I must admit I do hate change but i know it's part of life and it does happen, I've finally grown to accept that. I've noticed more in one of my best friends, she's done the most change and at times I feel uncomfortable with her but i know there's still part of the old her there and that will never change, and that's what i keep in my mind. No matter how much a person changes the person that you know is still in there just a little different. It's 5am and i don't know if any of this makes sense but the point i was trying to make is more of a ponder.... This friend that i have has known me for quite awhile... we have a very different lifestyle, however the "grown-up" me has done a lot of changing and a lot of work to get where I am today, yet this friend does not see it. I believe she doesn't want to see my change more because she doesn't believe I can, not because she doesn't like change. Her ideals have changed and therefore the lifestyle i lead I think does not fit her knowledge of how change is or becomes. It's disheartening.

Profession
I feel stuck. I'm feeling regret. Don't get me wrong I love my job. It's rewarding most of the time. I just feel sometimes the "what ifs" and it bugs me. the other day i went to a concert and seeing those dancers then talking to friends and family after the concert just made me think "what if" What if i took L.A. seriously. What if i kept training as a dancer? I don't have a dancers body...but i have their discipline. Then it made me think "why" and it all comes down to money and future. A dancer has a lifespan once you've reached the peak there's no real comfort or financial security. Then I feel okay with the profession i have... but why has our world turned into money? It's disheartening.

Catch Up
okay so i said no catch up but i need to make a little happy note after all this "disheartening" news i have lingering in my mind.
So i travelled Europe. I did it. I went on a contiki tour and it was AMAZING! BEST TRIP OF MY LIFE! the people i met, the relationships I've made it's crazy! I found myself on the trip... it made me see that i don't need to make changes i just allow the changes to happen to me. Makes sense?? ha ha well to me it does.

Eye Candy
So i feel like i should end this post on a funny note. eye candy for the summer of 2008
1. Michael Phelps
2. Robert Hoffman III
3. Oliver (Flying Canuck Performer)
4. Julian (Flying Canuck Performer)
5. Matt (can't say last name or how i know him [no derouin it's not you! and no it's not Matt from Contiki])

ok folks that's it.
until next post.

Correction

there's a stillness in my life that bothers me,
and prevents the need for action.
my heart aches with the fire of frustration,
but also enjoys the notion of the unknown.
this stillness that has now over taken my life,
and created nothing but trouble,
makes me want something more to dig my way out of this
hole i put myself in.
i am buried with regret
i would like to forget
can i possibly correct
the stillness in my life that bothers me?

What's important.....

I was talking to one of my best friends the other day about this person I talk to frequently. I told her we have nothing in common except a sport, she asked me about music and i told her that this person and i don't even have that in common. My best friend asked me if that was really important.... and today i realized it is and very much so.

My extended family was over tonight, my nephew was asking me questions about music and sure enough he said out loud he wanted to play the saxophone. my dad comes in and says did you know your auntie gail plays the saxophone?? and all of a sudden he whips out my sax and the family tells me to play. My nephew then continued to ask about other instruments like the piano and the guitar... a bunch of instruments that my sisters and i play and we just kept showing him all the instruments. My nephew is 7 years old and he asked about Mozart. I was like WHOA... a 7 year old knows about Mozart!?!?

i was definitely floored with the interest in music my nephew had. It made me realized that almost everyone in my family plays some instrument and enjoys music in some sense and anyone who comes into my life i figured also has to have the same passion. As much as volleyball is a passion in my life, music is also up there and if a person does not show the same passion it's a little iffy.

tonight was a huge eye opener for me. kinda help me see what i want in life not necessarily in what i want in a relationship or what not, just in general. I want four main things in my life for me to be happy: family/friends, my faith, music and volleyball. As long as i have those 4 things not matter where i am or who i'm with I'll be happy.

until next post.

Lyrics for the day

I was in my little world exploring youtube when I came across a song that hit me really hard today. It was sort of like a "Whoa..." moment. There was a time about 2 years ago where I opened up to someone. I told him everything, and I mean EVERY LITTLE THING. It was sort of the first time I ever did that with a guy who I didn't see as just a friend. For the time I knew him I didn't know what would come of our relationship, however I've dealt with the pain a while ago now, and I understand he wasn't sent to me "for" me but to help me realize it was okay to open up and show the true colours of who I am. There's a little soft spot I still have for him, even though I thought he was a JERK, at times I still think that but besides the point. This song I heard, the lyrics sort of brought me back. What if I could go into that person's mind and rearrange how he knows me... What if I could go into his mind and rearrange the pieces of his memory and make the memories good. A bunch of what ifs but that's what came to me when i heard these lyrics.

"The harder I try to make my escape
You still haunt me.
The farther I get, the more intense
Separation leads to desperation
Cuz when you're not close to me
A freight train runs over me
You're killing me slowly.

If only you were lonely
And broken
I'd creep into your mind
without you knowin'
Rearrange the pieces
When you weren't watchin'
And leave you with the memory
That you loved me
If only you were lonely"

The lyrics just stood out for me and I wanted to share it. It's not me living in the past don't worry. I've closed the book on this person but I know there are people out there that had something similar happen to them and I just wanted them to know that they aren't alone.

until next post.

Motion

Motion.
An act of moving or proposing.
Create a motion
Go through the motions.

Change.
To Make or Become different
Creating Change
Go through the changes

Like a water flowing in a river we cycle through this world.
We make waves, we conduct energy and allow nature to lead the way.
We may stumble and hit the rocks
We may find ourselves falling
But ultimately we find our peace and make a mark.
Whether it be as small as a puddle or a big as the ocean
We are all sharing this world.

The decisions we make
The motions
The changes
Everything counts.
Don't ever second guess yourself
Trust the environment around you.
God does not give us challenges that He knows we can't handle
Opportunities are presented to us
And what we make of these opportunities
Is the action of how we, as individuals and as a community, Flow.

Motion.

The "Eye-F*&@!"

Okay as mentioned in previous blog entries the "eye f*&@" is a another termed used by my friend to describe flirting. He told me I needed to do more of it and so i did tonight. I guess i should describe the "eye f*&*" : well it's really like i said flirting eyes. You look intensely at the person till they give eye contact. You do the "smile with your eyes a la Tyra Banks sayings" then look away and smile. and then continuously try it until you get a reaction from the dude. In my practice times, i've practiced on friend's husbands or co-workers and they have come up to me and said "Gail... i don't know what you're doing but stop" or "stop looking at me like that you're making me feel weird" apparently those are the reactions i should get from friends but if i was to do it to a guy i'm trying to snag then either a flirt back or some kind of acknowledgment like a smile might occur. but yes that is the "eye-f@#$"

Here's my story for tonight:
Volleyball is always my release. I play because I love it, I play because it's one more thing that makes me happy. Tonight I played and a familiar face was there. A dude I used to play with maybe two years ago. We met at various open gyms and it is sort of just like a "hey! how you doing!?" type friendship. I probably wouldn't even call it a friendship because we just know each other, we don't hang out or anything like that.

anyways so tonight at volleyball it was really good to see him. he's cute. very put together looking guy. my friend Vicky was there along with my brother and because I haven't seen Vicky in a long time she asked me how the "eye f*$!@" was going. i told her i hadn't had the time and she said "well that guy over there looks like potential" and sure enough she was pointing to the guy that i know. The sad thing about this is that i forgot his name!!! how bad am i! he remembers my name though, he automatically came up and said "hey gail, long time no see!" So already I felt bad. But okay so i decided to do what Vicky said and play.... i tried the flirting eyes, the smile then look aways... hahaa!! totally felt silly but later felt even more weird when he started doing it back!

so this dude, let's call him X for the sake of over using the word dude because I already use it to much as it is, basically did the same thing. it was like the hot and cold game you know? like making the person think they're interested then give them attitude showing them you aren't interested. it was funny, both of us were playing this game yet, sorry to disappoint, but no one made a move. It did feel nice though. As i type i have this stupid grin on my face, it's weird, funny, and crazy all at the same time. but yes it ended there just the game. i thought this was wroth blogging just because it's making me giggle at how this system works, and not to add i was complaining about this part of my life in my last blog. hehehe maybe it was sign letting me know I'll be okay. Alright then... Well this it no more to say.

LOL... do u have ideas about how to "eye-f*#%"... ?? please share... it'll be interested to see what y'all come up with.

until next post.

A Plethora of Thoughts

I've noticed I haven't spoken in awhile. A lot has happened in the month and bit I haven't typed anything out. It will be a little all over the place but I'll try and keep some kind of organization to it. Mentally and emotionally I've been up and down, side to side and all over the place. Physically I've remained the same. Nothing good nor bad just very reflective. I can't place myself right now it's weird. I seem to be pulling myself in so many directions.. too many wants, no time nor space in life to go everywhere. Anyways here are my thoughts:

Thought #1:
I sit trying to remember where I wanted to start this blog and the first thing that enters my mind is Boyz II Men or how I remember them... Boys II Men. Amazing artists. Their music will stand I know it, however it did break my heart when I went to the music store and this boy (he looked like he was maybe 17 or 18) asked me if i needed help. i said "yea do you guys have the new Boys II Men cd?" and he was like "WHO?" and looked at me with that face like he thought I was making the group up. so i thought maybe he just didn't hear me correctly and i said again "Boys II Men" and he again gave me the look that he had no clue what I was saying. He led me to a computer and finally told me they didn't have the new cd and so i walked away and as i turned back to look at him I saw him whisper to a co-worker "Who's Boys II Men?" oh how this upset me. Anyhoo, I understand people just don't know all music so maybe this kid didn't listen to R&B, maybe he is too young to know.. but man was I hurt. when people don't know legends like that it makes me wonder if kids today can appreciate real music.

Music today has gone so weird that I've found myself playing old cds, I don't listen to the radio anymore because all the music sounds the same, or a lot of these new artists are remaking old songs or taking beats from old tracks and making their own tunes that sometimes work and most of the time don't. I hear there's an R&B movement out there and I'm praying they bring back that particular genre strong. I loved the days when you can connect to a song, when songs helped you get through the rough times or celebrate the good moments of life. There's a few new artists for the kids today that I feel have good messages like Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, or The Jonas Brothers or The High School Musical peeps--yea the music is pop but if you listen to the lyrics of their songs it's so positive, gives hope that kids today won't turn into the teens we have now. (yes i do listen to those people just out of curiosity, I actually like the Jonas Brothers they have a new song that they covered from a famous 80s band, super funny my sisters and i were laughing, okay totally off topic back to it) The teens and young adults who are so consumed with material things that it's disgusting. Bringing me to my next thought.

Thought #2

A lot of the music that I listened to, or that's out now is so much about money and what money can get you. Bling, fast cars, guns, gangsta this pop that... like what the F is going on?? Kids shooting kids because they aren't following certain trends. My little cousin is in the 8th grade, I bought him a sweater a brown hoodie with some funky metallic gold prints on it and he refuses to wear it because he thinks he's going to get beat up. I told him he won't get beat up for a sweater and he said "you don't know my school" Now I'm not saying music led to this mess that teens are in however I feel there is a connection somehow in the image of how artists today are presenting themselves. A hoodie. how can a hoodie get a kid beat up!?!? My little cousin goes to school and thinks by wearing something that the "cool kids" are wearing he'll get jumped or get used. I can see that happening but why? this is the thought that bugs me. Kids need security and society is trying their hardest by putting up certain measurements but really I think these kids the bullies or the so called "cool kids" need some better role models.

When I was in high school my role models were my parents and sisters. I was taught it's not about being cool or not cool. it's about respect. You show respect for others and they in turn will respect you. There were so many of my classmates where I saw parents who were very into the materialistic parts of life, they wanted their son or daughter to have the best, the best brand name clothes, the best brand name bags. I swear to you even some parents sucked up to teachers to make sure their child was in the right class, or on the right sports team. it made me sick. But those are the role models that these kids had. My close friends and I... we came from families that taught us you got what you got and you make do. And I believe that is what made us strong individuals today. Sure we have our money issues but we deal the right way. Those kids who had parents feed them those materialistic ideologies, those that i know of, are still sort of doing the same thing their parents did. Trying to get through their lives by keeping with trends and connecting themselves to people they think will get them somewhere. I guess high school will always be the same however I think with all parents just be that good role model their kids need we might be able to keep kids off the streets, or get kids embracing those different from them instead of hating them. I pray that we the future parents are going to be that for our kids. Show them how to love appropriately, show them it's not about the external presence but the soul that is important.

Thought #3

I promise to end it after this thought. Way too long blog entry I promise the next ones will be closer together time wise so that I'm not making long rants again.

okay so thought #3... silly really. boys. really what is so wrong that I can't get back on the wagon and date? seriously!? I was talking to one of my male friends and he was telling me that I give off this vibe that boys don't like, this "I don't need no man" vibe as he put it. He said I need to be chased, he said I need to flirt more or "eye fuck" as he put it. So what did I do?
I decided to try it. and i did, made a few of my guy friends feel awkward but also got one guy to ask for my number which i gave but got no phone call. So maybe there is some point to his theory but really what is wrong with me!? Is it my image? is it the independent thing? Do guys like girls who are clueless... i know that's not true because I have a very intelligent friend who just found her soul mate and I've never seen her happier. People keep telling me it's not me, but the relationship thing is a two way thing so there has to be something with me that needs to be what's keeping me finding relationships that are more than just friends. I'm sort of sick of being the girl that all the guys talk to so they can talk to my friend. My brother told me even Derrick told me i am just too busy, and it seems like I don't have time for a relationship. I admit I do have a lot on my plate and maybe that does get in the way. is it my lifestyle that guys don't like? am i too all over the place? hmmm.... whoa sort of taking me to another thought... but i made a promise I intend to keep so no more thoughts.

anyways thanks for reading. again sorry for the all over the place rant.

until next post.