Jealousy

I have it. I admit it. Wish it didn't happen but it did.
two selfs... intoxicated shows realness.
two masks... intoxicated become known.
two masks... intoxicated worked together to cause one of seven...

Deadly sins?
Jealousy.

It's time to fess up.
Jealous of these two selfs.
Jealous of the connection that both deny.

Wish it were me.
Wish I was one of two.

Will never happen.
I set myself up for pain again.
Trust seems broken, but not forgotten.

Forgive and Forget
A messed up reallity.
Trouble.

~~~

These words that came to me explain a small moment of time that happened not so long ago. I seem to get myself into these predicaments where someone I like ends up liking someone close to me and therefore according to girl code is now considered off limits. It's weird how rules...unspoken rules take over in life. I was upset. Very upset. Extremely upset but it has subsided now. I was frustrated with myself and with people around me. Not just the two i speak of but with others as well. It is now where my true friends shine. It is now at this point in my life where I will see who I click better with, who will be long term. I actually see myself moving away because I seem to just keep putting myself into the same problems. One of my biggest fears I believe will get the best of me if i stay here. I keep telling myself there's only one thing that will keep me in place.

I wanted to write an entry to bash, bad mouth, swear at these people but i figure that would just be very immature. It was my fault I put myself in this spot. I am thinking negatively instead of positive and that is why this entry is titled jealousy. I thought i had something... which was really nothing. but seeing that something with someone else made me upset and well... yea made me feel crappy. I told someone you should never assume because when you do "you make an ASS out of U and ME" and it's true... i'm an ass for thinking the way i did. Putting myself through more hurt. I gave my hopes up. But there is no one to blame but myself.

Those closest to me will believe or say to me it's not my fault but it is. I keep expecting things to happen and I shouldn't. I just need to sit back and let God take care of me. Let whatever plan He has take it's course and trust it's for the best. As much as i want something I will never get it.

until next post.