The Thorn in my Foot....

I've had this reoccurring dream....

A cross and a ring. your cross and ring on your necklace the main thing in focus every time in the dream. I dream of grabbing this necklace... i grab it to pull you toward me, to hug you, to kiss you, to punch you, to slap you in the face. It bugged me for weeks why i kept dreaming the same thing. I would wake up in a sweat and pissed off every time. I spoke to friends, to doctors, looked up dream interpretation on the internet anything to give me some sort of answer to why.

It came to this conclusion:

A cross - a challenge to lead to transformation; unification of mind/spirit and or body/matter; goals, challenges...
A ring - circle of life; symbolizes wholeness and unity and commitment
Grabbing - wish or want of getting your own way; also suggests immediate situations and problems

My doctor friend told me... that maybe the cross and ring represent me... my growth my commitment to myself and because i'm grabbing it from you it's probably a symbol of you getting in the way of me doing me. A symbol of you taking over because of what happened, what I did to change our situation. Something I don't regret and do at the same time.

Anyways after an extensive talk with my doctor friend and my close girlfriends and guy friend I've concluded you are bad for me. so the past weeks i've limited my chats with you, limited our interaction. It doesn't help that I miss being friends. We were good at that. for a bit I kept blaming myself for the now weirdness in our "new" friendship. The awkward chats, the awkward smiles or openess.... I've spoken to friends saying I just need to cut you off. like i agreed last year with my friend that I don't need anymore male friends. I have enough of that.... but sometimes you can't turn away friendships but after tonight I think you are an exception. I can't be friends with someone who doesn't trust me.

These past months since I opened my heart to you I've tried to make it go back to how it used to be knowing it will never be like that. I still held some hope it would but then I remember what you emailed me. You said there are parts of your life you will not share with me because you are afraid to hurt me. Newsflash... you can't hurt me. No one can hurt me but myself and since I chose to open my heart to you it's my fault i feel the way i do NOT YOU. it's not always about you. If anyone i thought you would understand that.

Tonight I knew you didn't want to mention your ex's name at the table because 3 months ago i told you I felt jealous of her. I told you I felt jealousy... i didn't say i was actually jealous. It was a weird feeling. I don't have that feeling often or ever. but i knew having that urge was a sign that maybe I liked you a little more than I'd wanted to and wanted the same relationship you have with your ex, a close friendship. after that day i had to look deep down and talk to many many many people to figure that shit out and that lead to the night I told you that maybe I had feelings... and wanted to make sure you didn't. I think the key there was "to make sure you didn't" I was already thinking the negative... which to me was already a sign that I really didn't care what answer was going to come from it... i just cared we'd still be friends. Tonight having dinner with friends.... proved to me that you don't want to be friends.

How did i come to that conclusion? because if we were friends you wouldn't be careful mentioning your ex's name. You said it after I asked, and i'm pretty sure you tried to change the subject after that. Also that fact that I feel like this wasn't the first time you were careful mentioning her name. I can't be friends with people who hide things from me. Especially a friend who used to tell me everything and now thinks anything they say is going to hurt me. If that's not what you're trying to do it sure feels like it. But you know what I'm done trying. I'm done trying to be friends with someone who obviously isn't comfortable with me anymore. So don't worry as of March 1st I'm erasing you.

Why wait till March? cuz i'm still training with you... I still have to see you at practices and I don't want things to be weird around the team. Don't get me wrong... you are an amazing person. someone with a real heart and a great friend. it's just that maybe our friendship wasn't suppose to last the life time. maybe this is it for our friendship. Remember what i told you, God puts people in our lives for a reason. I think you were brought into my life to help me focus. to help me learn about myself and my strength and to ultimately know I gotta put myself first right now. I've learned my lesson, I suppose you can say you've served your purpose for the moment. If God wanted us to be good friends then we'll find it again, but for now I guess that's it.

I'll continue to pray and care about you dude... just now from a far. You deserve that. I don't know why God put me into your life but I really hope I've served my purpose as well. Its hard to understand His plan for us but we just gotta trust in Him. I won't forget you. You were a breath or fresh air, and I did genuinely appreciate you. Hopefully some day I can trust in those words you told me in the beginning of our friendship, something you said that hit me hard for only knowing you for such a short amount of time. I miss the guy who said "love you with all my heart, you are like my best friend" If we are to ever be friends again... I want that friend back.