Contemplation

"At times I sit and comtemplate and wonder why it is I am so emotional when I am by myself. I hide things deep inside me to show people that I am strong. I do it on purpose because I am afraid of what would come if I suddenly decide to break my shell. People see this wonderful piece of art but like the Mona Lisa it too has an eerieness,a mystery that can never be unfolded."

That passage comes from an old diary entry of mine back from 2004. I find it fitting for this theme that I am experiencing in my life at the moment. Many of us, yes even you that read this, have times where we just hide things. We hide them as if ashamed by our own selves. We bury them hoping that they will just disappear and never come back to the surface, however it always finds a way to haunt you. It haunts you till it starts eating at your mind and then the breakdown begins. You feel betrayed and hurt but mostly angry at yourself of allowing such drama to enter your life. You can't remember how it came about it just does and when it does it's fury not only to yourself but to those around you as well.

An over analyzation begins, why am I like this? you ask. You become apologetic, saying sorry to those around you even if you have nothing to say sorry about. You feel like you failed as a person and that you need to fix things. When people start to become involved however there's that part of you that refuses. Believes it is your own problem and that somehow it will be you and only you who can fix it. You must recognize to ask for help (is what I have always been told). I always find that hard and when people do ask to help I always think they think that I can't do things on my own. I think they are against my cause and I refuse to let people in who don't believe in me.

It's weird how this messed up system of mine works. Over analyzing, over thinking.... over contemplating. Sometimes things just remain simple. Always look for the simple plan.

My studies to Powell River help me accomplish so much regarding this theme. I saw a lot of myself grow. I did over analyze, I did a lot of thinking and I came to the realization that all I needed was to stop and absorb. Look, Listen, and Feel the world around me. Take what God is showing me and just work with it. Not to dwell in the past nor constantly think about the future. Powell River helped me to see myself. Who I really am, where I really want to go in life. what I want.

Now I know I have said this in the past with other things such as Derrick and Thailand. But all those things happened for a reason. They happened for me to learn from and to take those lessons and bring them with me in the future. If I dwell in the past I would probably end up like Derrick... a jerk that doesn't drink beer. And Powell River help me see how much I love beer! haha!

Anyways point of my contemplation. There is just so many things going on around us and sometimes we just need to stop. Stop over working ourselves, stop thinking so much and just live. Life is a mystery. It will never actually fully unfold until we get to a certain point so why stress? Take life by the horns and just roll with the punches. I'm not saying wear every single emotion, thought, hope on your sleeve, but own up to your destiny's. Speak your mind and don't be afraid. God puts us all through challenges and with every challenge comes a life lesson. Just believe.

until next post.