Frustration.

Okay so It's been a very long time since I've blogged but today I was looking around at friends webpages and something just bothered me enough where I need to rant about it.

I've been dancing since i was 3 or 4 years old. I've done many forms of dance but the one form that I have dear to my heart is Filipino Folk Dancing. It's part of me, it's part of who i am and is what I want to share with my future. I danced with one company for maybe 3 or 4 years and two years ago decided to leave them to find a company that was geared more toward my own goals. The company I'm with now is so much more than I've asked for and I've learned so much from them on top of what I learned from the previous company I was with. Having said this now I shall tell you what is bothering me.

I was on facebook and discovered the photography website of one of the dancers that dances for the company I was previously with. I went and checked out their site and it's amazing to see the growth in his work. I've seen his earlier pieces and it was obvious there was talent there needed to be honed. It's nice to see his progress and growth and seeing the amazing talent he has. Anyways so as a link he has the link of the dance company. I saw that page has been re-done and again looks good, but knowing them, there is a "performing members" page and a page of alumni. When a dancer has danced for a company and decides to leave wouldn't they be considered alumni? So i was like yay maybe my name will be there... so i click on alumni and look at the list of names and mine is no where to be found.

Now I know I left the company to join another company but is there so much dislike in the filipino community that this has to happen? I asked the director if it was okay to go to workshops and auditions and she said it was okay and that I should do it. If I remember correctly she said it would be good for me to go. And it was one of the senior performing artists that asked me to choose. In my head I asked myself "Why can't i be part of both companies?" that was my plan to dance for both. I think I'm professional enough to distinguish between the two styles and not to mix or not to say anything that will cause conflict. By making me choose you caused conflict. I'm not blaming this particular dancer but really if you ask me to choose you should accept and respect my decision and I feel that that wasn't done. You asked me to choose and I said I am going to choose the company that is best suited to my style, and my goals and where I am now I know it was the right decision. I also said to this dancer that the company is who i owe my presence to. They taught me the basics and they taught me what it is to be a Filipino dancer, but as a dancer it wasn't giving me what I wanted besides traveling. I didn't want to be part of a company just for that, I wanted to belong to a company that I can grow with as a dancer and be inspired by as a dancer and that's why i left and that is why I dance for the company I am with now.

I also noticed that names of other dancers who moved on to other companies are not on that list either. I think it's very fake of them to do this. If you have an Alumni page you should have all the names on there who have danced for the company. there are names on there that I know that have maybe only danced one show with the company and they made the Alumni list where as people who have danced years for the company are not on the list. It's not consistent, and I believe it's not right. I was also reading a filipino news paper yesterday and saw an article about this company which states " Although some members have moved on, they often return for the annual [company] gatherings, their motto is 'once a [company name]er, always a [company name]er.'" This pissed me off a lot two reasons. 1. they stole their motto from my old high school, it's been a motto since 1990 and everyone knows it and 2. I was a member that moved on and I have never been invited to ANY annual gatherings. I try my hardest to remain friends with many of the senior dancers that were there when I was there, hell I respect some of them because they are just amazing people and dancers but I also feel a lot of resentment from others for me leaving.

Now this is not just seen in dance but it's seen all over the Filipino community. We are we filipinos so hard headed? why do we look down on others or why do we always have to be better than the filipino next to us? If you ask certain filipinos they will say this is not the case.. FAKE! it is... if it wasn't why don't we have a filipino community centre? Why don't we have schools to help keep our culture alive? Another thing... why are filipinos in the philippines so obsessed with becoming americanized? As a grow older into my first generation filipino canadian mind I think about this more and more. If someone were to bring this up 5 or 10 years ago I wouldn't know what to say but my goodness, it's almost stupid. it's like filipinos are stuck in high school. there's the cliques... the groups that think they are better than everyone, the group that are great leaders but stay quiet, the group of girls that gossip, the group of guys who want power but once they have it don't know what to do with it.... it's crazy and now that i think about it more, it's immature.

I don't mean to sound bitter here but it really makes me mad when people are fake. I had so much respect for this company and I still do but these two things have made me question, and has made me very upset. To make yourself look good must you sacrifice the respect of the peers around you?

if anything all of us, not just the dance companies, should do is learn from each other. Yes we do many of the same dances but the style maybe slightly different, the teaching style will be different, the atmosphere is different... but in all we are all learning the same thing and all trying to do the same thing.

WE are all trying to learn our culture
WE are all trying to preserve something of our culture
WE are ALL OF THE SAME CULTURE!

My generation is the future and I'm afraid our culture will die because of this mess.

ACT RIGHT! that's all i have to say.

until next post.